Theatre of Blood
(UK, 1973)

Imagine…

… an educated slasher movie aimed at an adult audience

… that requires a certain amount of familiarity with the classic works of Shakespeare as opposed to just a few "ironic" knowing winks to the Star Wars or Friday, the 13^th series

… with actors known for their serious contributions to stage and film, not just for their bland good looks.

Impossible, I hear you say? No, such a scenario was not unheard of in the 1970s as Theatre of Blood proves.

Theatre of Blood is Kind Hearts and Coronets with a large dash of Grand Guignol; 10 – well: 9 - Little Critics who brushed up their Shakespeare just a little bit too much and die in truly macabre fashion. It’s witty, bloody and full of well staged black humour.

Shunned by the critics when they decide to give their prestigious Award to a talented newcomer, dedicated Shakespearean actor Edward Lionheart (Vincent Price) apparently commits suicide and subsequently tops off his enemies one by one following the manner of his favourite Shakespearean dramas.

Watch as his critics get butchered and speared, drowned and decapitated. Some lose their hearts (Harry Andrews), others their freedom (Jack Hawkins) after being lured into killing the cheating wife (Diana Dors). One of the most memorable scenes is when Robert Morley’s outrageously gay character is forced into eating his poodles a la "Titus Andronicus". If someone manages to out-camp Price it is Morley, dressed all in pink and fitted with a ridiculously false hair do, indeed a "queen" who "is made to eat her children". Wrongly thinking he is to be star of a cookery show, he first of all devours the doggie pie put before him. His eyes twinkle, he literally grunts with delight. When he discovers what he eats he ends up being force fed by Lionheart. If ever I ended up one step short of giving up foie gras for good, it was when watching Morley literally getting stuffed to death with his, ahem, pet food.

Following hard on the heels of his two Phibes productions, Price again delivers a tongue in cheek serial killing tour de force. His performance is so riveting, it is truly disappointing that he was never more involved with the Bard’s plays throughout his career. He plays all his roles with gusto, full of pompous egocentricity. His voice is smooth and eloquent – Price obviously relished the witticisms he was allowed to throw towards his character’s critics - and seems to change his nose even more often than his costume. Meticulous when arranging his collection of reviews, he is grandiose, but utterly ruthless when it comes to dispatching of its authors.

Theatre of Blood, of course, was also the film in which he met actress Coral Brown who was soon to become his wife. In the film Price has the pleasure of electrocuting his future wife under an industrial style hair dryer. His hairdresser character, appropriately misnamed "Butch", is one of the most entertaining parts of Price’s career.

Ian Hendry effectively has the Joseph Cotton role from The Abominable Dr Phibes, i.e., he acts as Price’s main nemesis, the character most blamed for all the alleged wrongs caused to him. As such he is made survive the fencing scene from "Romeo and Juliet", just so that at the end of the film he is being threatened a second time by Lionheart: Should he again refuse to present him with the Critic’s Award, he would follow King Lear’s example and be blinded in order to improve his "critical faculties".

It would be an injustice to single out any of the other individual actors playing the critics as all of them (Dennis Price, Harry Andrews, Michael Hordern, Arthur Lowe, Robert Coote) do a tremendous job in portraying unsympathetic, self-obsessed, passionless wordsmiths who we simply love to see getting killed in the most outrageous and stylish fashion possible. Following an operation for throat cancer, veteran actor Jack Hawkins ended up being dubbed by Charles Gray.

Diana Rigg plays Lionheart’s dedicated daughter, intending to right the alleged wrongs done to her father. She often appears quite convincingly in male drag, but also mini-skirted in front of Harry Andrews’ lecherous, lusty and groping character.

Diana Dors has a guest performance as Solomon Psaltery’s (Jack Hawkins) blown-up, alcoholic and philandering slut of a wife, a part she could play in her sleep at that stage of her career.

Tribute must also go to the ballet ensemble playing the down and outs, Lionheart’s saviours, his true admirers, fellow actors and accomplices in crime. It is a joy to watch their boozed up performances, their sniggering come-ons and downright demented blood lust. And during the first murder at least one of them does actually look seriously malnourished. Suffering for art’s sake or just a simple case of real life anorexia?

In contrast to all those heavy-duty actors, Madeline Smith has the one unimpressive part in the entire movie. As Ian Hendry’s secretary, Rosemary, she has very little to do than to stand around and look beautiful. And even that seems to be a bit of a chore for her while being forced to wear some very drab, buttoned up clothes full of flowery design. A very colourless role for her and a wasted opportunity for introducing some 70s style Brit Glamour.

To cut a long story short: Theatre of Blood is a timeless piece of entertainment that hasn’t aged in 30 years and one of the absolute high lights of Price’s career. It’s so good it even makes you wanna go and actually read the Bard’s plays at last.